Bedtime Negotiations: A Short History of the Blanket War

You promised to love each other forever. Nobody mentioned the duvet.

A bed is roughly the size of a small car, and yet one person can occupy all of it. The rest of the household sleeps peacefully, unaware of the territorial conflict taking place down the hall.

Know your opponents

• The Burrito: rolls in a full circle and takes every blanket along for the ride.
• The Starfish: sleeps at a diagonal and claims both pillows through sheer reach.
• The Radiator: gives off the heat of a small oven, then complains about being hot.
• The Narrator: remembers an important thing to say exactly when you nod off.

Most people are at least two of these. Many are all four by morning.

Field-tested fixes

1. Two blankets, one bed. Northern Europe worked this out long ago, and they seem calm.
2. A pillow border. It is not romantic, but neither is an elbow.
3. Save the news for breakfast. Anything said after lights-out is officially not a discussion.

Mutual snoring

If you both snore, congratulations. You have reached a rare state of balance in which neither of you has the moral high ground. We celebrated it with a shirt. Sleep well, and keep to your side.